I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I think people are normalizing furries
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
