just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
