I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
