Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
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Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
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She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.