I puked a lego.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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