Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
