no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
