woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
