i just google imaged poop.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
