Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
