I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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