You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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