I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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