Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
did i just pee glitter
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
