I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
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She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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