A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Welp...herpes.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
