ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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