Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
