I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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