why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
