Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
