help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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