I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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