Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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