he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Someone came in the potted fern
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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