I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
