I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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