Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
