tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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