FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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