Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
