mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
