Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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