Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
