one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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