You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
