They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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