this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
