Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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