Life is so much better after having sex.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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