I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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