I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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