In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
