i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
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There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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