when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
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Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
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I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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