you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
