If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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