ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize