I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
