You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
