I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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