i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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