I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
A+ Viking dick
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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