Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize