When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
