How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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